The Sunday Parenting Party - Bossy is a sexist term

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Its time for the Sunday Parenting Party. Please link up your parenting posts and check out what others have been up to this week. Please don't link Kids craft activities, these can be shared at the Kids Coop linky. This week I'm linking the following:

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(Goblin is 43 months)

I've debated whether to write this post. I try not to write judgemental posts and this is sure to come across as one, but actually its asking that we mind the language we use with our kids. Some words are so much part of our culture that we use them without really thinking, but as someone who has been hurt by this particular name calling in my youth I felt I needed to share my concerns.

I want to talk about the term "Bossy".

Bossy is a negative word. Its a name we call children when they are "pushy" and tell others how to do things. Its a hurtful term and it damages self esteem. I should know. I was called bossy as a child.

And it occurs to me that 'bossy' is a term that tends to be reserved for girls. Lets face it when did you last hear anyone call a boy or a man bossy? One could argue that maybe its a trait that is only exhibited in girls. But I think we all know that's not true.

"Bossy" children .......

• Know what they want
• They communicate their needs and desires
• They set direction for themselves and others

Often when they are doing this as young children, they don't consider other people's desires, needs or feelings. But that is the same if the child is a boy or a girl so why do we tend to only tell girls off for being bossy?

Other terms that could be applied to bossy children are

• assertive, 
• self-assured
• dominant, 
• leader, 
• manager. 

And we wonder why we don't have so many women in the board rooms, in politics and in leadership roles. Could it be that every time this natural leadership talent rears its head during childhood, instead of nurturing it we give it a negative label and slap it down?

Of course it grates when a small person is pushy and demanding. But our job is to take the behaviour and show the child how to use the positive attributes of it. How to retain the self confidence and surety but add kindness and consideration. By labeling the whole action with the negative word "bossy", we diminish the child's desire to behave in that way at all. That can make them feel guilty every time they do. It weakens their self-worth.

If we keep calling girls "Bossy",  we undermine their desire to be confident, directive and assertive young people. This coudl have serious implications for their role in later life, so please think twice before you call a child bossy.

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My five recommendations from last week are

The Road to Independence ~ Home grown urban

What does the Montessori term normalization mean ~ Living Montessori Now

Part Timers Guilt ~ Happy Whimsical Hearts

Body Image ~ The Tao of Poop

What's in a name ~ Raising a Boy

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And now to the linky

What am I worried about?

This post was written as a contribution to the Boys vs. Girls Blog Carnival.  The participating bloggers are sharing their experiences, ideas, and opinions on why gender roles should be avoided in parenting and teaching practices.

(Goblin is 40 months)

Here is a picture of two three year old children. Unless you are a regular reader of the blog you'd probably assume both kids were girls. In fact, as many of you will know, the one in the orange t-shirt is a boy, my son the Goblin. 

The other day Goblin came home from nursery and told me he didn't want to be a boy anymore, he wanted to be a girl. I took my time to consider this. Was this my fault? Had my occasional failure to correct a stranger who called him a "pretty girl" led him to believe he ought to be one? Maybe my colleagues, who joked that not cutting my son's hair would send him to therapy as an adult, were right after all. 

I asked him: 

"What do you think the difference is between a boy and a girl?"

My son replied that girls have trolleys - obviously some random association from nursery. 

Hublet and I looked at each other, stifled a smile and assured Goblin that if he wanted a trolley we'd find one for him. So his gender dilema was solved and Goblin went to bed satisfied with being a boy.

But why had I been worried?

I bought my son some gloves at the weekend. They had two pairs for £1.50 but the only colours they had were pink. I felt guilty buying them. I looked around the rest of the shop to see if there were other colours hiding out but the pink ones were the only ones left.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!

Why did I feel the need to do that? My son is three. He thinks the difference between a girl and boy is that a girl gets to play with trolleys. He quite likes the colour pink and certainly wouldn't object to putting pink gloves on if his hands were cold. So why did I feel the need to double check before settling on the only gloves in the shop. And why, would I have paid more money to get some gloves in a different colour if they'd had them?

In the Fifteenth Century all infants were dressed the same, in little woollen kirtles (dresses). They were gender neutral. My child is gender neural. Yes he exhibits some traits commonly associated with boys - like his love of cars and inability to sit still. But right now he doesn't need to be forced into a gender stereotype, either by me or anyone else. What he needs is a world of possibilities where he can choose  his own likes and dislikes, and pick his own paths. 

He showed me today how ridiculous my dilema over the gloves had been. I got home to find he'd been shopping with Hublet. And sitting on the table in the living room was a new toy he'd chosen. It was a bright pink My Little Pony. My son is picking his own path through the world. I need to stop worrying about it, and let him grow and develop in his own way. 

Look here to read submissions by the other carnival bloggers

Gender Cliches Debunked
Andie Jaye of Crayon Freckles is a momma to a preschool boy and teen girl, looks at cliches held about genders and offers an alternate view to them. 

Parenting and Gender Biases

Maggy, mum of a boy (5) and girl (3) discusses on Life At The Zoo her observations about how each of her children do have many characteristics associated with their gender. However stresses that children should be given equal opportunities to explore, play and discover and is frequently surprised by each child really enjoys non gender specific activities – this is particularly noticeable during the arts and crafts activities they do over on Red Ted Art.

What Am I Worried About?

The Monko at Taming the Goblin asks "What is the difference between girls and boys at the age of three? And why do we care?"

5 Tips on Fighting Gender Stereotypes and Raising Empowered Children

Brittany from Love, Play, Learn shares how to help your child grow up happy and emotionally well adjusted by cutting through gender stereotypes and bias in children’s toys, media, and society. She shares easy and practical tips and ideas for raising happy and confident girls and boys.

Boys, Barbies, and Broken Necks
Erin from Royal Baloo writes on why ignoring gender stereotypes will give your child a leg up.

Gender Stereotypes in Society
Gender stereotypes are everywhere, among friends, colleagues, at stores and pretty much anywhere else in life. Alex, from Glittering Muffins and father to Nico {an energetic three and a half year old} looks at how difficult it can be to keep an open mind. 

Knitted sling

(Goblin is 39 months)

After seeing Small Potatoes beautiful post William's doll I had been meaning to make Goblin a sling for his doll, but then due to nightmares he banished all his toys from his room and stopped playing with them. However, recently Goblin found a bear in a toy shop and started sleeping with it. Then Cerys from Rainy Day Mum let me into the secret that there was a knitting pattern for the Small Potatoes sling at A little time to share, and she kindly interpreted the knitting instructions putting them into idiot terms that even I could understand.

Of course being me I couldn't just simply follow the basic instructions. You see I already had a half done knitting project which happened to be a 50 stitch square. So I used that as the starting point and worked from there - which is why my top picture has the sling template looking rather odd. 

I also decided to try some ribbing. I am useless at ribbing so a nice simple pattern was a great place to practice. This meant my pattern was more like the following:

Knit a 50 by 50 square (thats 8 inch squared). 

Then start decreasing by one stitch at the beginning of the row and one at the end until you get down to 25 stitches. That's when I started ribbing.

And this is where my pattern following goes seriously down hill. I forgot to take a tape measure on holiday. So instead of measuring the 'strap' to make it 14 inches I just measured it by knitting until the 'strap' was as wide as the square front, then folded it back on itself and knitted rib again until it folded back to the beginning of the decrease and then I started increasing again until I got to 50 stitches, then I cast off. 

As you can tell I'm not great at following patterns so I tend to make things up and do a lot by eye and judgement. But the end result seemed to work. I sewed the ends together and gave it to Goblin to put his bear in. The only photo I managed to get was of him trying to take a close up shot of his bear while its in his sling. Needless to say his photo was a bit blurred.

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The Sunday Parenting Party

<center> <a href="http://www.tamingthegoblin.com/search/label/The%20Sunday%20Parenting%20Party"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/FJIJWl.jpg"/></a></center> Its time for the Sunday Parenting Party. Please link up your parenting posts. Tell us how its been going, give us some tips and tricks, link up a posts that doesn't have all the answers - you never know you might get some useful comments back. Please don't link kids activity posts, those can be linked to the Kids Co-op. Please note that the Sunday Parenting Party will be taking a festive break so there will be no link up on 23rd or 30th December. This week I'm linking up the following: *******

I've been extremely lucky with the men in my life. My Dad is wonderful. He has been a perfect role model of what I expect gender equality to look like and never once made me think for even a second that my gender could hinder my ability to do anything I wanted. As a result I am a confident and capable human being*. Gender doesn't really come into it for me. If I want something I go for it.  And I believe that any woman can be as capable as a man. I guess that's hard wired into me through my upbringing.   And yet I shy away from calling myself a feminist. The word makes me feel uncomfortable.  Mainly because a lot of the time I feel discussions about feminism descend into sessions that criticise men or see men's actions as misogynistic when they aren't. I saw a post a while ago saying "If your brand of feminism involves telling other women that they are doing it wrong, I'll find my feminism elsewhere". Well that's how I feel about the brand of feminism that thinks for women to be strong, men have to be made to feel weak, and inadequate.  There is the example of "feminists" who get cross when a man holds a door open for them because they assume the man is doing it because he thinks they are the "weaker sex". Er no! That guy has just been brought up to be polite. Its polite to hold doors open for either sex. Would you prefer that he slammed the door in your face while saying "I value your strength as a woman!" It also concerns me that it seems to be acceptable to make sexist jokes at the expense of men, while screaming from the rafters if jokes are deemed sexist to women. For example why is it acceptable to use the term "man flu"? We women would never accept such a derisory term being bandied about for females who were feeling under the weather. And point of fact, I am ill way more often than Hublet.  You may be wondering what this has to do with parenting. Well the trouble is, I'm raising a boy. And I want that boy to be a confident and capable human being. I want him to feel that gender doesn't really come into it and if he wants something he should just go for it.  But every time the cause of women is elevated by stepping on the cause of men the chances of my son having that future is diminished.  So lets be careful with our words. We can celebrate the feminine without doing it at the expense of the masculine. We can all be equal and fight for equality by respecting one another. That is the world I want my son to be raised in. Is that not the world you want your child raised in? *I'm not saying that people without great gender equality espousing Dads can't be confident and capable human being, I'm just saying in my case I am pretty sure this helped a lot.  ****** My top five picks from last week are  10 Daddy tips for raising a Girl by Love Play Learn  Jump Jack, Jump by An Everyday Story  Accepting Simplicity by Mummy Musing and Mayhem  10 Easy and inexpensive ways by Little Wonder Days  Working While They Play by Happy Whimsical Hearts and now to the linky

Boys have long hair too

This post was written as a contribution to the Boys Have Long Hair, Too Blog Carnival.  The participating bloggers are sharing their experiences, struggles, and opinions surrounding having a son who has long hair.

(Goblin is 30 months)

Goblin has beautiful hair. It is straight and shiny and easy to maintain and currently hangs to the middle of his back. There are pros and cons to having a two and a half year old boy with long hair. Most of the cons come in the form of maintaining it. Goblin, as you'll know if you read this blog regularly, is a very active little chap and as a result he is often knee deep in mud, paint, sand or food. His hair can get quite full of 'ick' and nasty. I tend to wash it every other day. He doesn't seem to mind having his hair washed (most days), but brushing his hair has started to be a daily 'trauma'. Although it is silky and thick it gets occasional knots in it. Not bad ones, he doesn't have the daily dreadlocks that some kids are plagued with, but it does need a daily brush. His bellows over brushing - which start up before the brush has actually touched his hair - did make me seriously consider whether we were doing the right thing by keeping his hair long.

"Am I a mean mum? Should I cut it short like 'normal' boys so he doesn't have this experience?" 

But then I realised that if I was a mum of a girl with long hair, I would be unlikely to jump immediately to the conclusion that I was being mean leaving her hair long and that I should cut it all off because of a few moans about brushing. I realised that the guilt I was feeling was due in a large part to the social norm that says boys should have short hair.
Rather than cut it all off we invested in a tangle teezer. Two in fact - a neon pink one and a sparkly purple one - the only colours the shop stocked. Now when I brush his hair, Goblin gets one brush and I get the other. This calms him a lot. And the teasers are very effective, we still have wails but when I ask "is this actually hurting" he says no. So I don't feel so guilty any more.

Goblin's hair growth from birth to now

What are the up sides to having a boy with long hair? Well there is the obvious aesthetic one. I think he looks completely adorable. But I'm his mum so I'm biased.
The other one is that people mistake him for a girl. I think some of my friends think that I wanted a girl so I am compensating by letting Goblin's hair grow. That's not it though. I just like that in this world where there is a lot of gender separating (pink for girls and blue for boys), Goblin sometimes sneaks through the cracks. I'm hoping that by not always being treated as the male of the species, it will help balance the times when he is overtly treated differently because of his gender. I guess some of you are probably saying "what on earth is she talking about?"......

I can't blame people for thinking he is a girl!

I read about studies where they dressed babies in boys clothes, and the same babies in girls clothes and watched how adults interacted with the babies. Regardless of the actual gender of the baby, the 'girls' were treated more gently and called things like pretty and sweet, while the 'boys' were hurled around more and called Champ and Little Bruiser.
And I see this happening in the park and at soft play. I don't have any objection to those names or the hurling around, but Goblin gets enough of that at home. What I like is when people see him playing and assume he's a girl they seem to be more protective. They tell their kids to "let the little girl have a turn". I even had a mum telling her much smaller male toddler that he needed to watch out and play nicely near the little girl. I don't think that Goblin needs this protection, but its nice that from time to time he receives the gentleness that we should be giving to both genders equally.
Having Goblin always mistaken for a girl has certainly made me think twice before assuming a child's gender. And maybe check my behaviour towards both genders as well.

long, long hair

So is that why we grew Goblin's hair long - To try and make him gender neutral? Er! NO! The truth is we didn't consciously plan to have a boy with long hair, it just happened. Hublet and I both hate hairdressers (not the people, just the activity of going and having your hair cut). I cut our hair (badly - although I've got better since Goblin was born and I stopped doing it while drunk). So we instinctively shied away from the idea of rushing down to the local salon to get baby's first hair cut. And now not going to the hairdresser has become a habit. People have said to us "What will you do when Goblin wants his hair cut". I think they assume it will be a big deal. But Hublet and I both agreed that the answer is simple - If and when Goblin wants his hair cut, he can get his hair cut. 

After all, it's his hair.

We'd love it if you stopped by to read submissions by the other amazing carnival bloggers

My Happy Hippie Boy -- Andie from Crayon Freckles shares why she and her husband have chosen to let their 3.5 yr old son’s hair go uncut. 

Boys Have Long Hair, Too: A Father’s View -- Alex from Glittering Muffins says it happens that not only does his son, Nico have long hair, he as the father has no problem with it either. He personally does not find that long hair emasculates a boy (or adult alike)...

Boys Have Long Hair, Too: A Maman’s View -- Valerie from Glittering Muffins son has been called a cute little girl for about a year and a half (he’s 2.5 yo). So she corrects people and tells them he’s a boy and loves his long hair (Once in a while she even throws in a “he also loves to watch Strawberry Shortcake”). 

Sampson -- Kellie from Our Mindful Life reflects on how long hair gives her son power.

Trials and Tribulations of a Boy with Tresses -- Carolyn from Mama's Little Muse talks about her experience in raising a boy with hair too beautiful to cut short. It is about how people have reacted; how she has created keepsakes featuring his hair; and also how they have arrived at a game that they play so that the hair brushing experience goes more smoothly.

His Hair, His Decision -- Lyndsay from Our Feminist {Play}School asks the question “why shouldn't a boy have long hair?”. Her 'answers' are historical, personal and family-specific.

Boys Have Long Hair, Too -- Sarah from This is Me…Sarah Mum of 3 is mum to 3 children a boy aged 10, girl aged 8 and a boy aged 5, Always loving the longer hair styles for boys her two boys have had many different hair styles over the years but always seem to resort back to the longer locks even against the negative comments they sometimes recieve.

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Great play date

(Goblin is 30 months)

We are doing really well this week with successful play dates. After our fab puddle jumping antics on Thursday, today we went to my friends house and saw 'the ladies'. Goblin was very excited to see two other toddlers there (as well as two babies that he wasn't so interested in).

All the husbands were playing football but Hublet, being of the Rugby persuasion, thinks that "football is a silly game for girls better associated with hopscotch and skipping", so he came with me and Goblin. While we gossiped about pregnancy and childbirth Hublet ran a creche for the three toddlers.

Last time we spent some serious time with Liberty she and Goblin were about 16 months. She was exhibiting all the traits typical associated with female toddlers - sitting quietly and playing at taking her shoe off and putting it back on, while Goblin was being a stereotypical boy, climbing through his painting easel and repeatedly running around the room. But its interesting what a difference a year makes. Liberty's play behaviour is now much more that stereotypically associated with boys. She likes trucks and running up and down the stairs. Goblin was in heaven as they played imaginary shop and built roads out of some flat pack shelving that hadn't been put together yet (its amazing what kids will use as toys).

Apparently Liberty is a bit scared of boys but she played nicely all afternoon with Goblin. Her mum was so intrigued that she asked her "Is Goblin a boy or a girl?". Liberty's response was "Loblin is a girl, her Daddy is a boy". Mystery solved - Liberty was happy to play with Goblin despite her fear of boys, because she thought he was a girl (And also thought he was called Loblin). I find this really interesting. I have seen male toddlers looking quizzically at Goblin when he tries to engage them in play. Maybe they also think he is a girl and are thus curious as to why he is trying to play with them.

H was a very good sport and let the kids decorate her baby bump (with 75 stickers!). Liberty decided the baby inside was called Donald.

When we explained to Goblin that there was a baby inside the bump he wanted to see and said "Open it please". When we'd all finished rolling on the floor laughing we explained that H's baby wasn't ready yet ("its not cooked") so she couldn't open it.

 At this point Goblin turned to Liberty's little sister and said "that one's open"!

More rolling around on the floor laughing. 

I love the idea that you open the belly to get the baby. I guess in my case thats exactly what happened. Lets hope H's birth story is a little bit less exciting.

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Imaginary play

(Goblin is 28 months)

Despite the fact that, or maybe because, Goblin is heavily into all things vehicle based, I had been musing about buy him a dolls house. I didn't want him to miss out on the opportunity to play with tiny dolls and tiny furniture just because its typically considered a girl's toy. I'd held off because the ones I'd seen on ebay were quite expensive and I didn't want to spend a lot of money on something if he wasn't going to play with it.

And then my friend offered us their toy Fire Station. I jumped at it. I assumed it was just a "garage" and Goblin would enjoy driving his fire engines in and out of it. But when she gave it to me she also gave us a box of things. The things included chairs, a table, a side board, a TV, a cupboard, bunk beds, a sink, two firemen and a dog, as well as a wooden fire engine. I thought Goblin would be most interested in the Fire Engine. But I was wrong. He was enthralled by the tiny firemen and their home. He spent ages placing them on chairs and telling me to "put a DVD on" for them. It took quite a bit of fine motor skill and manipulation to balance them on the chairs, but Goblin persisted. 

 He propped the ladder up against the bunkbeds and got me to help him walk the firemen up the ladder to their beds. And he slid them down the fire pole, and up the stairs and down the fire pole again.

 And he did play with the fire engine, but in a more people focussed way - getting the firemen to climb the ladder and hold the hose. He even went and got his bins from his toy bin lorry and got the firemen to "take the bins out".  He is replaying his day to day experiences through his little firemen dolls.

I think dolls houses offer an amazing play experience for little children. If you aren't lucky enough to have one given to you, you could always make your own. There is a great tutorial over at Red Ted Art and they also have tutorials on how to make lots of different cute doll house furniture.

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Gender Stereotypes - nature or nurture?

(Goblin is 22 months)

Everyone mistakes the Goblin for a girl. Who can blame them really, its not like we make it easy for them. He has longer hair than most 23 month old girls (with the exception of his incredibly hirsute younger cousin). He also has very long eyelashes which make him look quite pretty and I have been known to dress him in pink.

I have always thought that this mistaken gender could be an advantage. You always read that people treat kids differently if they think they are a certain gender, so my thoughts were that if some people thought he was a girl maybe he'd get a more balanced mix of reactions. I figured maybe this would mean he wouldn't develop typical boy features that are the imposition of society's reaction to boys. OK so I was probably over thinking this one but I've never really believed that boys are from mars and girls are from venus - ie its all in the genes - I have always felt most of it is probably nurture. 


But then it happened. The obsession with vehicles. I don't know where it came from. I'm pretty sure it wasn't from us. But its here, and its really strong. And it couldn't be more boyish if it tried. 


Since the Goblin was about 18 months old he has been getting more and more interested in vehicles. It started with just pointing every time a plane flew over or a train went past (we live near a railway line). 

And I thought nothing of it. At Christmas we bought him an ELC garage and some cars with the little magnets that join them together.

But we'd also bought him a brush and dustpan and some gender neutral stuff like building blocks so we weren't (in my opinion) feeding his enthusiasm for vehicles. 


Over the summer he stole a toy pram from a friend of ours and played with it so much that we bought him his own.
This is Goblin on his thieving mission:

 And this is him with his very own pram:

He also has a rag doll that he cuddles when he is tired. Dolly is a downstairs toy and he has cuddly animals that he takes to bed - this is not, I hasten to add, a restriction that we have dreamt up - this is all Goblin. I have offered to take dolly up at bedtime but he looks at me like I am a loon. 


So I first noticed the obsession with vehicles when we bought him his first sticker book back in June. It was from Sainsbury's and had 1500 stickers of everything you could imagine - constellations, precious gems, fairies, space travel and of course vehicles. The Goblin was only interested in the vehicles. And not just that, he was fussy about which vehicles. He was not interested in boats or bikes or motor bikes, or hot air balloons. He was only interested in cars, lorries, planes, trains and helicopters.


I was so surprised by his instant attraction to vehicles that I asked my friends what on earth in evolution could create such a bizar gender specific phenomenon. One suggested it was the bit that said "Things moving very fast at ground level should be of lively interest to you". As he is my wisest friend he is probably right.


The trouble is the Goblin's obsession with vehicles is now affecting what we do with him and what we buy him. For example I have been playing a Montessori inspired game with Goblin where he has to pick up pingpong balls with tongs and put them in an egg carton. 

But recently to keep it fresh and interesting I have started using his little cars 

He's much more interested in the game when vehicles are involved. You'll see in my colour matching post I use tractors to keep his interest. And now when I go into a toy shop I will gravitate towards the vehicles. His collection of ELC magnetic cars has grown from 3 to 9 (which incidentally is one too many to make a chain of cars that actually stay together when you pull them, the magnets aren't strong enough). He has 4 fire engines and a tractor and a heap of those little metal cars that Tesco were selling ridiculously cheap. 


So what started as nature - the Goblin showing a natural interest in vehicles - is rapidly becoming nurture as we encourage and perpetuate his obsession. It doesn't worry me too much, but I do find it fascinating. Would I be doing him any favours at all if I tried to fight it and forced him to play with My Little Pony?  Now if My Little Pony had wheels that would be another story!