Morning routine charts

(Goblin is nearly 4)

Our family don't really do routines. We have a rhythm to our week but things like routines for getting out of the house are a bit haphazard and tend to depend who is going to work and who is at home with Goblin, as well as what we are doing that day. As a result sometimes I forget to do crucial things. I forget to wash Goblin's face and don't realise until we get to nursery and I spot toothpaste all over it, or I forget to brush his teeth for an entire week.
To help me remember all the basic things (that a more organised parent would never forget) I made a chart. And while I was at it I made a dressing chart too. I thought these would help both me and Goblin to remember all the things that we needed to do in the morning, and I thought the incentive of adding a tick once we'd done something might encourage Goblin to do more of them himself. I stuck velcro circles below each word and on the back of all the ticks so that he can add a tick as we go, and we can reuse it each day.
I'm not using these as reward charts, they are simply reminder charts. Obviously they can be used as reward charts, but I'm not a huge fan of rewarding behaviour that is just something that needs to be done.
To make these charts I used picmonkey and google images. But as a result I don't have the rights to the pictures so can't offer them to others. So I have made some new ones using different pictures.  If you'd like a copy click the title link below. These are, as you can see, British charts, using words like trousers. If that doesn't work for your family you are welcome to use the images here to make your own with picmonkey. I laminated mine and used velcro but a non laminated version with bluetac to add the ticks would work just as well.

Morning routine

Dressing Routine

Ticks for the charts

I'm sharing this at 

 

The Vyne

(Goblin is nearly 4)

The other day we went to visit friends who live the other side of London. They took us to The Vyne which is owned by the National Trust. This place is very kid friendly and I would recommend it to anyone who loves outdoor play.

It has a lovely little playground with tunnels that look like hobbit holes. Goblin and his friends spent ages running in and out of them. There was a gravel river which was just too tempting for our three year olds and they had a lot of fun throwing gravel into the tunnels, much to the distress of some older girls who came and told on them because they were "making a mess". When I explained that our three year olds were helping them, because if there was no gravel in the tunnels there would be nothing for the older girls to clear up, the girls went away satisfied.

I'm afraid I don't believe in telling little kids not to throw stones. I tell Goblin not to throw stones at people, but I'm not going to deny him the pleasure of throwing stones all together just because it makes some other people uncomfortable.

As well as the wonderful playground, The Vyne has a beautiful lake - that Goblin ran towards at full pelt. Since he has developed the skill of being able to swim to the edge of things I have become more relaxed with him around water, so I didn't shout out or rush to stop him. Instead I waited to see if I'd hear a splosh. But he sensibly stopped in time. (I do still carry a change of clothes at all times). And Him and his friend sat and 'fished' at the edge.

There is a wood at the Vyne but we didn't get a chance to explore because we were sidetracked by the toy tractors, wheelbarrows and bouncy animals that had been left out on the grass by the apple trees. Goblin was in vehicle heaven - to the extent that tearing him away when it was time to go was not a pretty site. 

I can't wait to go back, and its also made me look at other National Trust venues which I may previously have assumed were not so child friendly.
For your nearest National Trust place check out their website http://www.nationaltrust.org.uk/

Observing but not intervening

(Goblin is nearly 4)

Goblin and I took an outing the other day to a country park near us. He'd asked to see his friends but I hadn't organised anything in advance and failed to find anyone free. So we just went together.
Once we got there Goblin realised there were lots of other children around and went in search of a play mate.

It fills me heart with joy to see my sociable little fellow making friends so easily. He never bothers to ask their name or their age. Those factors aren't important to him as long as they are happy to play. He played with little children, digging sand and working together to make a huge hole. And he played with older children, adventurously holding onto a spinning 'witches hat' with a bunch of pre-teens who rescued him after he flew off mid spin.
But there is another side to watching my son play with other children. A sad side. Watching when children reject his advances and shut him out of their games. That hurts me as much as it must hurt Goblin. But I can't intervene. I can't force a child to like my child or want to play with him. When he was younger I would intervene, to show both parties how to play nicely. But now he is choosing to play with a wider age range so he needs to work these things out for himself. Some children will want to play, and some won't. I have to let him find his own way.

In my heart I want to rush up and tear him away from the "nasty" kids, and cuddle him. But my head reminds me that this won't help. All I can do after a set back is reassure him of our love for him and hope that helps to heal the pain.
I'm sure this is one of many things that I will discover I cannot do for my child. I can't give him friends. I can give him tools and phrases to help him make friends. And I can try and build his confidence so he can talk to new children and bounce back from rebuffs. But he's on his own. He has to forge his own way and I have to sit back and watch and hope it isn't too painful.

Sucky Parenting

(Goblin is nearly four)

Maybe I'm setting my sights to high. Maybe that's why I often feel so ashamed of the way I respond to my son when his behaviour is challenging. Maybe if I aspired to 'Waynetta Slob' standards of parenting I'd stop beating myself up quite as much. 

Recently I have had a couple of occasions when I have absolutely let rip and completely over reacted to a situation. If a friend or relative is with me, what they see is me going mental at my tiny little boy for doing what looks like a tiny minor infraction. What they haven't seen is the build up, that week leading up to this when we have had the same discussion over and over. 
Our most recent 'issue' revolves around listening - or more precisely not listening - to instructions. Basic life saving instructions like "stop at the edge of the road", or common decency instructions like "please don't hit me again". 
Hublet and I try to reinforce the desirable behaviour through modelling, explaining, distracting etc. You know, all the positive parenting methods that we are aiming to use. But by the weekend we are worn down from trying to remain calm and use the positive techniques without much success. 
Then it happens again. 
"Goblin please don't squirt that water pistol at your friend, she obviously doesn't like it" or "wait for us before you go into the shop".
And he doesn't stop or he doesn't wait and it's the straw. 
The last straw that breaks the camels back and let's out all the puss and bile, the fatigue and built up frustration and anger. It comes tumbling out in a torrent. And as I'm standing in the street grasping my child's arms, screaming in his face, I can see myself ... and I hate myself. 
I can see a bully being horrible to a small child who doesn't understand where all this venom has come from. I can see my friends thinking what on earth has got into her that she is responding like this to such a minor infraction. 
And the guilt makes me even more angry and unable to access that calm loving side that I needed to pull out to deal with this sensibly. So instead I seethe and boil and hate. And when I talk to my son I can hear the edge to my voice that makes it sharp and irritated, not kind and gentle and patient. And I despise myself for using that voice. 
And then I have shame. Shame that I treated my child like that; shame that my friends saw me overreact; shame that I claim to use positive parenting and yet find myself more and more frequently screaming and shouting and over reacting. 

And then we have a good day, and I remember that I do love being a parent. And Goblin still doesn't listen. But somehow I'm able to stay calm, and I don't have that edge in my voice, and I do respond with love and empathy.  

I need to focus on those days and try to tap into what makes them work. 

*****

I'm sharing this at The Sunday Parenting Party. I'm currently taking a break from hosting so if you are looking to link up click on the button below.

Connecting through Sand Castle Fun

(Goblin is 45 months)

Connecting with kids doesn't have to be complicated. While on holiday Goblin and I went out to play on the beach. The sun was setting and it was getting close to bed time, but we took a little time to have some child led simple fun. 

I didn't try and lead the play, I left it entirely up to Goblin. He asked me to build a castle. As I turned out the bucket he stomped on the castles. Sometimes this would have annoyed me - I'm trying to create something for him and he is intent on destroying it. But instead of getting annoyed I shifted my expectation. He doesn't want an aesthetically pleasing castle. He wants something rough and ready that he can mash with his feet - sensory play. 

So I 'speed built' sand castles on the spot and he crushed them. He really enjoyed being "allowed" to do this. But eventually he was ready for a change of pace and he asked me to build him a race track out of sand castles. We made a huge ring of castles and he ran around it in a circle being a car.

Then he lay down by one of the castles and started "shooting" things with his spade. We dug out a ditch and made a rampart at the front, and lined the edges with castles. Then I lifted him in and he lay in his pretend trench bang at imaginary baddies. I'm normally not a huge fan of 'war games' but I overlooked my squeamishness to let Goblin lead the way. I dug a simpler ditch next to his and we lay in the sand together shooting stuff until bed time. It was simple and fun. 

I'm sharing it with