Thursday 17 May 2012

Boys have long hair too

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This post was written as a contribution to the Boys Have Long Hair, Too Blog Carnival.  The participating bloggers are sharing their experiences, struggles, and opinions surrounding having a son who has long hair.
(Goblin is 30 months)
Goblin has beautiful hair. It is straight and shiny and easy to maintain and currently hangs to the middle of his back. There are pros and cons to having a two and a half year old boy with long hair. Most of the cons come in the form of maintaining it. Goblin, as you'll know if you read this blog regularly, is a very active little chap and as a result he is often knee deep in mud, paint, sand or food. His hair can get quite full of 'ick' and nasty. I tend to wash it every other day. He doesn't seem to mind having his hair washed (most days), but brushing his hair has started to be a daily 'trauma'. Although it is silky and thick it gets occasional knots in it. Not bad ones, he doesn't have the daily dreadlocks that some kids are plagued with, but it does need a daily brush. His bellows over brushing - which start up before the brush has actually touched his hair - did make me seriously consider whether we were doing the right thing by keeping his hair long.


"Am I a mean mum? Should I cut it short like 'normal' boys so he doesn't have this experience?" 

But then I realised that if I was a mum of a girl with long hair, I would be unlikely to jump immediately to the conclusion that I was being mean leaving her hair long and that I should cut it all off because of a few moans about brushing. I realised that the guilt I was feeling was due in a large part to the social norm that says boys should have short hair.
Rather than cut it all off we invested in a tangle teezer. Two in fact - a neon pink one and a sparkly purple one - the only colours the shop stocked. Now when I brush his hair, Goblin gets one brush and I get the other. This calms him a lot. And the teasers are very effective, we still have wails but when I ask "is this actually hurting" he says no. So I don't feel so guilty any more.
Goblin's hair growth from birth to now
What are the up sides to having a boy with long hair? Well there is the obvious aesthetic one. I think he looks completely adorable. But I'm his mum so I'm biased.
The other one is that people mistake him for a girl. I think some of my friends think that I wanted a girl so I am compensating by letting Goblin's hair grow. That's not it though. I just like that in this world where there is a lot of gender separating (pink for girls and blue for boys), Goblin sometimes sneaks through the cracks. I'm hoping that by not always being treated as the male of the species, it will help balance the times when he is overtly treated differently because of his gender. I guess some of you are probably saying "what on earth is she talking about?"......
I can't blame people for thinking he is a girl!
I read about studies where they dressed babies in boys clothes, and the same babies in girls clothes and watched how adults interacted with the babies. Regardless of the actual gender of the baby, the 'girls' were treated more gently and called things like pretty and sweet, while the 'boys' were hurled around more and called Champ and Little Bruiser.
And I see this happening in the park and at soft play. I don't have any objection to those names or the hurling around, but Goblin gets enough of that at home. What I like is when people see him playing and assume he's a girl they seem to be more protective. They tell their kids to "let the little girl have a turn". I even had a mum telling her much smaller male toddler that he needed to watch out and play nicely near the little girl. I don't think that Goblin needs this protection, but its nice that from time to time he receives the gentleness that we should be giving to both genders equally.
Having Goblin always mistaken for a girl has certainly made me think twice before assuming a child's gender. And maybe check my behaviour towards both genders as well.
long, long hair
So is that why we grew Goblin's hair long - To try and make him gender neutral? Er! NO! The truth is we didn't consciously plan to have a boy with long hair, it just happened. Hublet and I both hate hairdressers (not the people, just the activity of going and having your hair cut). I cut our hair (badly - although I've got better since Goblin was born and I stopped doing it while drunk). So we instinctively shied away from the idea of rushing down to the local salon to get baby's first hair cut. And now not going to the hairdresser has become a habit. People have said to us "What will you do when Goblin wants his hair cut". I think they assume it will be a big deal. But Hublet and I both agreed that the answer is simple - If and when Goblin wants his hair cut, he can get his hair cut. 
After all, it's his hair.

We'd love it if you stopped by to read submissions by the other amazing carnival bloggers

My Happy Hippie Boy -- Andie from Crayon Freckles shares why she and her husband have chosen to let their 3.5 yr old son’s hair go uncut. 

Boys Have Long Hair, Too: A Father’s View -- Alex from Glittering Muffins says it happens that not only does his son, Nico have long hair, he as the father has no problem with it either. He personally does not find that long hair emasculates a boy (or adult alike)...

Boys Have Long Hair, Too: A Maman’s View -- Valerie from Glittering Muffins son has been called a cute little girl for about a year and a half (he’s 2.5 yo). So she corrects people and tells them he’s a boy and loves his long hair (Once in a while she even throws in a “he also loves to watch Strawberry Shortcake”). 

Sampson -- Kellie from Our Mindful Life reflects on how long hair gives her son power.

Trials and Tribulations of a Boy with Tresses -- Carolyn from Mama's Little Muse talks about her experience in raising a boy with hair too beautiful to cut short. It is about how people have reacted; how she has created keepsakes featuring his hair; and also how they have arrived at a game that they play so that the hair brushing experience goes more smoothly.

His Hair, His Decision -- Lyndsay from Our Feminist {Play}School asks the question “why shouldn't a boy have long hair?”. Her 'answers' are historical, personal and family-specific.

Boys Have Long Hair, Too -- Sarah from This is Me…Sarah Mum of 3 is mum to 3 children a boy aged 10, girl aged 8 and a boy aged 5, Always loving the longer hair styles for boys her two boys have had many different hair styles over the years but always seem to resort back to the longer locks even against the negative comments they sometimes recieve.



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21 comments:

  1. I can relate to so much of what you have said in this post, as another mother of a boy with long hair, and we love the tangle teezer too! :)

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    1. I know, I love your son's long hair, I always think when I visit your site that Goblin will look like him when he's older, as long as he doesn't decide to cut it all off.

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  2. None of my kids have had that much hair by 2 1/2, so I'm jealous! It's funny to me that he hasn't asked to get his hair cut, as I have the opposite problem with my daughter. She can't stand to have any of her hair in her face, so we keep it short. I hadn't really ever thought about how boys might benefit from being perceived as being a girl. So many moms that grow their sons' hair long get so upset when people call their child a girl, it's nice to hear how this can actually be a good thing. My son grew his hair long when he was younger (age 6-8), but by then, he was so clearly masculine, no one could mistake him for a girl. Ironically, he is not your "typical" male, in that he hates sports and all that, but his bone structure is just totally male. The one haircut that I would never do again was when he asked me to shave his head totally bald. He wanted to see what bald felt like, and I felt he should be able to experiment with his own hair, but when we went out and about, people thought he had cancer and was undergoing chemo and so many people gave me these "poor you" and "how sad" looks, it was just too uncomfortable for me. Otherwise, he has had some wacky hairstyles in his day.

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    1. that is fascinating that your son decided to grow his hair at that age, I would have thought that would be a sensitive age for peer pressure. I'm thinking when Goblin goes to school he might choose to cut his hair because of the reaction of other kids. I love that you let your son shave his head. I shaved mine when I was at university and it was fascinating the responses I got.

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  3. Great post, Goblins hair is truly stunning so long and shinny for his age, my boys hair has been cut so many times but I always love it when they don't mention getting it cut and it gets long.. they both still sometimes get comments about being female which to me seems madness when their hair isn't that long, I dont mind as much now as i used to, my eldest doesnt bother about comments my youngest started school in september and then started to be more concious and did recently ask for his hair to be cut because his friends called him a girl... I always go with it when they ask and allow them the final say on how much of a cut, and normally they will choose a small trim to just neaten things up abit xx

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    1. I went to a music class this morning with 4 girls the same age as Goblin and despite them all having long hair, Goblin's was by far the longest (and we have trimmed about an inch off it when it got icky). I suspect that when he starts school we'll have the same problem of insensitive kids. It will be interesting to see how he reacts.

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  4. One tidbit of social commentary that I find interesting is that I have a 5 yo tomboy who wears boy clothes MUCH of the time. She wants to be a firefighter when she grows up and is constantly decked out in fire clothing, shoes, etc, and yet no one refers to her as a boy. Now, her hair is much longer than my son's, but still - there is never any mistake NOR any pressure to dress or look differently. It is fabulous that she wants to be a firefighter. Girl power, right? But, my 3 yo who loves purple and his long hair is often chided about his choices in clothing (plain purple t shirt and plain denim shorts from the boy department with purple sandals) and his choice to wear long hair. And I, as his mother, am often chided for not forcing him to cut his hair and give up the purple to look more masculine. Because, you know, I could easily force him to be more masculine.

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    1. That is really interesting. I do think that Feminism has done wonders for women/girls being accepted when they want to dress like and do anything associated traditionally with the male role, but at the same time there is no equal which allows boys those choices.
      Goblin has a couple of pink T'shirts and you should see the looks they invoke - if anyone actually figures out he is a boy.

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    2. I encounter the same situation, if my daughter wears her brothers sweater or hand me downs nobody says a thing, the minute my 4yr old wears a red shirt he gets confused for a girl, especially because he has curly long hair...it's kind of annoying to hear some of the remarks from total strangers but we have learned to just carry on, or he will answer, geeez,I am a BOY!!

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  5. He has fantastic hair, and this is a fantastic post! My son is 3 and has never had a hair cut. His long curls are everywhere, all of the time, and he is constantly being referred to as "She". He doesn't know another boy with hair even remotely long, and he is always defending himself saying "I'm a boy with long hair!". Despite all of that though, he has no interest in a hair cut. He stands true to who he wants to be, and who am I to argue with that? Kudos to all of the parent's who let their boys be boys.. with long hair!! :)

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    1. Goblin has only just started saying to me and Hublet "I am a Likkle boy". So I am wondering how long it will be before he starts correcting people who call him a girl.

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  6. Good for you! Your son has gorgeous hair. Enjoy it! My son is now 17, and he and his friends went through many phases. There was the brush cut where they all looked like skin heads, the long haired hippie look, and everything in between. And yes, he was at times mistaken for a girl but he didn't mind. We're now back to the brush cut. I think it's best to do what makes you happy and not worry too much about what others think. It's hair!

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    1. Yup my mum was quite cool about letting me and my sister do what ever we wanted with our hair even when she thought it looked awful. I think Hair is a great way to express your personality so I hope Goblin will try lots of different styles in his life.

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  7. My son does have short hair, but I am totally in love with detangling spray for my daughter's long hair! It's amazing what works on those knots (and the wails, lol)! And btw, it took my daughter three years to get hair as long and thick as Goblin's--it really is gorgeous!!

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    1. I have wondered about getting some of the detangle spray. But to be honest its so straight that it doesn't get that knotty. We are very lucky.

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  8. I think he's adorable with long hair too. This was a wonderful idea for a blog carnival and I've enjoyed reading everyone's post. I'm glad you are sharing your perspectives!

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    1. It was the brainchild of Andie from Crayon Freckles (top post on the list above)

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  9. I am amazed at how much hair he has at 2 1/2 years. He must have some good hair genes! I also loved seeing his baby photos. I think this is the first time I have seen them. =)

    Thank you for sharing your views. I especially found the discussion about the treatment of little boys and girls very interesting.

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  10. i enjoyed reading this as much as i did the first time. isn't it strange how people will treat our boys different when they believe they are girls? the comment we usually get is "my, what beautiful hair she has." i then correct them and tell them he's a boy and just has long hair. the new comment becomes, "well, then, it is long, isn't it!" like it loses it's aesthetic when it's on a boy's head. and goblin does have a gorgeous mane of hair! how do you plan on handling it when another kiddo makes a mean comment? we're struggling with this... i want my son to be comfortable, but also don't want him to cave to pressure.

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    1. Andie, it's a really good question. It's so difficult to hit the balance between wanting to make them proud of their looks and not bow to pressure from taunts, and not make it sounds like their hair length is something so important to you as a parent that they would upset you if they cut it (because then they are torn in both directions). I think I'm trying to tackle it from a holistic point of view by building his self esteem and security so that he can evaluate any mean comment and say, well that's not my opinion so I don't care.
      I think if and when it happens I'd ask whether Goblin likes his hair. If he says he does I'd point out that that is all that matters. But I won't stand in his way if he feels he wants short hair to fit in. He'll have plenty of opportunities to be unique throughout his life but they need to be his choice and he needs to be comfortable defending his decisions.
      My sister and I were goths when we were teenagers. We got a lot of flak but because it was our choice we were able to stand up for ourselves. I don't want goblin to have to defend himself because I have made a choice to make him stand out from the cross if all he wants to do is blend in.

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  11. aubreyfromcalifornia12 October 2013 at 05:54

    I have a 13 month old son named Logan and he was born with aa lot of hair. It is about 2-3 inches passed his shoulders and I love it. People mistake him for a little girl all the time, and I just kindly let them know he is a boy. They tell me he is a beautiful boy, and he looks like a doll.

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